Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
My Father
Yesterday I heard some distressing news from my Mom. I already knew that Dad had to be taken to the hospital for some sort of stress test, but this took an unexpected turn.
During the test, an angiogram was taken, and it revealed that the main artery to Dad's heart was 99% blocked. According to those facts alone, he should not have been able to walk around, miracle of miracles. So they administered emergency triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage. This took the better part of yesterday, and I kept calling Mom almost hourly to check in Dad's progress. Between that and the text messages I sent to everyone else I knew about Dad, the battery did not last by the time I finally got home.
It really made me step back and think about my father, too. In my family, my Mom had the more outgoing personality, so he tended to disappear in the shadows. He did, however, always fancy himself as the Power Behind The Throne. :)
I also remembered one episode from childhood that forever defined the type of man he was. I was about 8, maybe 9, and he wanted to show me some work he was doing on the car. He wanted me to be mechanically inclined, so I'd know what I was doing once I had a car of my own. I tried to look interested, but it didn't work.
As unforgivable as I'd later realize this to be, growing up in a blue-collar town, I was anything but mechanically inclined. I would have given anything at that time to go back inside the house, watch cartoons, and do anything that would allow me to put my mind in neutral, after the previous 5 school days of having various adult authority figures demand, in tones of righteous indignation, that I "Pay Attention!!!!!"
I would later learn acting skills, but my attempt at pretending I was interested was a failure. Finally, my Dad gave up out of frustration and told me to go back inside. I said "No, Dad, really, I'm interested," hoping to avoid another lecture, but he wasn't buying it.
So I did watch my cartoons, although I had a sense of guilt. Once again, I had disappointed someone without doing anything at all. But later, he came into my room, and we had a talk.
He said, "David, I can't play the saxophone, but you can. I also can't draw cartoons, do funny voices, or sing those Michael Jackson songs on the radio, but you can. I'd like you to one day learn how cars work, because it can save you a lot of money and give you a good hobby. But if this is not something you want to learn about now, that's OK. You really don't have to do everything that I do because you're your own person."
The reason why this moment remains so important to me is because it was the first time in my young life that an adult authority figure did not yell at me when I was being myself. In fact, this was the first time in my life any authority figure told me that I was OK, and that I should feel OK about it! In that moment, my father, with his quiet, gentle, and thoughtful ways, became Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, and Mike Brady all rolled up in one!
From that day to this one, my father has remained a man of patience and dignity. The thought of him undergoing the bypass made a lot of things clearer to me -- that he deserves a lot more accolades and praise than he's received. For all things he's done, for his family and his country, he deserves a ton of recognition. And hopefully, once he's feeling a little better, my sister and I will be able to visit him in Florida to show him we care.
During the test, an angiogram was taken, and it revealed that the main artery to Dad's heart was 99% blocked. According to those facts alone, he should not have been able to walk around, miracle of miracles. So they administered emergency triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage. This took the better part of yesterday, and I kept calling Mom almost hourly to check in Dad's progress. Between that and the text messages I sent to everyone else I knew about Dad, the battery did not last by the time I finally got home.
It really made me step back and think about my father, too. In my family, my Mom had the more outgoing personality, so he tended to disappear in the shadows. He did, however, always fancy himself as the Power Behind The Throne. :)
I also remembered one episode from childhood that forever defined the type of man he was. I was about 8, maybe 9, and he wanted to show me some work he was doing on the car. He wanted me to be mechanically inclined, so I'd know what I was doing once I had a car of my own. I tried to look interested, but it didn't work.
As unforgivable as I'd later realize this to be, growing up in a blue-collar town, I was anything but mechanically inclined. I would have given anything at that time to go back inside the house, watch cartoons, and do anything that would allow me to put my mind in neutral, after the previous 5 school days of having various adult authority figures demand, in tones of righteous indignation, that I "Pay Attention!!!!!"
I would later learn acting skills, but my attempt at pretending I was interested was a failure. Finally, my Dad gave up out of frustration and told me to go back inside. I said "No, Dad, really, I'm interested," hoping to avoid another lecture, but he wasn't buying it.
So I did watch my cartoons, although I had a sense of guilt. Once again, I had disappointed someone without doing anything at all. But later, he came into my room, and we had a talk.
He said, "David, I can't play the saxophone, but you can. I also can't draw cartoons, do funny voices, or sing those Michael Jackson songs on the radio, but you can. I'd like you to one day learn how cars work, because it can save you a lot of money and give you a good hobby. But if this is not something you want to learn about now, that's OK. You really don't have to do everything that I do because you're your own person."
The reason why this moment remains so important to me is because it was the first time in my young life that an adult authority figure did not yell at me when I was being myself. In fact, this was the first time in my life any authority figure told me that I was OK, and that I should feel OK about it! In that moment, my father, with his quiet, gentle, and thoughtful ways, became Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, and Mike Brady all rolled up in one!
From that day to this one, my father has remained a man of patience and dignity. The thought of him undergoing the bypass made a lot of things clearer to me -- that he deserves a lot more accolades and praise than he's received. For all things he's done, for his family and his country, he deserves a ton of recognition. And hopefully, once he's feeling a little better, my sister and I will be able to visit him in Florida to show him we care.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
What Makes A Bully?
Hey all -- this is a post I was working some months ago, and never finished. This post will eventually be imported to my new blog, which will be devoted exclusively to young men and boys with low self-esteem, but let's make this a preview.
WHAT MAKES A BULLY?
They infect childhood. They corrupt business. They spoil dreams. They uproot lives. They divide families.
Who are these people and what makes them that way?!?!?!?!?!?
Some say that the victims bring it on themselves. This is only half true. We all know that victims need to behave with confidence, and not be easily shaken by these cretins, and the chances of them being victimized will decrease.
However, this does NOT legitimize bullying!
(for a contrary viewpoint, I respectfully refer you to http://www.bullies2buddies.com/)
My response? Wrong. It's not OK to behave this way to anyone. So why has it persisted for this long?
(1) Schools. No teacher, principal, or administrator wants to deal with it, no matter how many anti-bullying laws are passed. They always have too many other problems to deal with, they always disregard it as a right of passage, and they always assume that the perpetrators are "just being kids," and they'll grow out of it, while the victims always obviously "asked for it."
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(2) Parents. When a child is never punished for misdeeds, he or she learns that they are not misdeeds after all. Or better yet, sometimes a child is encouraged by the parents to be this way! I still remember someone from elementary school whose parents kept telling him he was the best athlete, that he was on his way to the Olympics, and that everyone else was simply inferior. For him, bullying was as natural as eating and drinking was to everyone else.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(3) Spouses. When a bully reaches adulthood (and isn't in jail by then), he or she usually finds a significant other who will be docile, passive, "agreeable," and thereby complicit in the continued behavior. It is not true to say that a bully desperately needs a victim to survive -- a bully needs AN ENABLER even more to VALIDATE what they do and say . . . everything they do and say.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(4) Children. The cycle continues to another generation. Especially if the child is the same gender as the bully, he or she will emulate EXACTLY what that child sees and hears.
NO CONSEQUENCES
If you check what I posted back in February of 2010, you'll see that my message to the world around me is that men and boys must be on guard against low self-esteem. The bully is often the source of this problem. As the author of the site I linked to opines, victims of bullying have work to do to protect themselves and solve their own problems. Blaming and complaining doesn't solve the problem, and I agree with him on this point wholeheartedly. In fact, he has an amazing method of teaching children ways to fix this problem!
Where my fellow blogger is WRONG, however, is in suggesting that the perpetrators are somehow blissfully innocent. IF you derive pleasure from throwing your weight around, and IF you think it's OK for you to screw with people who are somehow weaker than you, and IF your parents have failed to remove this behavior from your repertoire, you are NOT innocent!
So what's to be done with people like this? The question remains . . . .
In the meantime, for those whose children are just sprouting up from the garden (and I use the term loosely), parents need to change their ways a bit. WATCH what you say and do around the little ones. USE DISCRETION in your methods of discipline, and BE CAREFUL what you sweat and what you let go. The world does not need more bullies. So please don't raise them.
Please feel free to comment below.
WHAT MAKES A BULLY?
They infect childhood. They corrupt business. They spoil dreams. They uproot lives. They divide families.
Who are these people and what makes them that way?!?!?!?!?!?
Some say that the victims bring it on themselves. This is only half true. We all know that victims need to behave with confidence, and not be easily shaken by these cretins, and the chances of them being victimized will decrease.
However, this does NOT legitimize bullying!
(for a contrary viewpoint, I respectfully refer you to http://www.bullies2buddies.com/)
My response? Wrong. It's not OK to behave this way to anyone. So why has it persisted for this long?
(1) Schools. No teacher, principal, or administrator wants to deal with it, no matter how many anti-bullying laws are passed. They always have too many other problems to deal with, they always disregard it as a right of passage, and they always assume that the perpetrators are "just being kids," and they'll grow out of it, while the victims always obviously "asked for it."
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(2) Parents. When a child is never punished for misdeeds, he or she learns that they are not misdeeds after all. Or better yet, sometimes a child is encouraged by the parents to be this way! I still remember someone from elementary school whose parents kept telling him he was the best athlete, that he was on his way to the Olympics, and that everyone else was simply inferior. For him, bullying was as natural as eating and drinking was to everyone else.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(3) Spouses. When a bully reaches adulthood (and isn't in jail by then), he or she usually finds a significant other who will be docile, passive, "agreeable," and thereby complicit in the continued behavior. It is not true to say that a bully desperately needs a victim to survive -- a bully needs AN ENABLER even more to VALIDATE what they do and say . . . everything they do and say.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(4) Children. The cycle continues to another generation. Especially if the child is the same gender as the bully, he or she will emulate EXACTLY what that child sees and hears.
NO CONSEQUENCES
If you check what I posted back in February of 2010, you'll see that my message to the world around me is that men and boys must be on guard against low self-esteem. The bully is often the source of this problem. As the author of the site I linked to opines, victims of bullying have work to do to protect themselves and solve their own problems. Blaming and complaining doesn't solve the problem, and I agree with him on this point wholeheartedly. In fact, he has an amazing method of teaching children ways to fix this problem!
Where my fellow blogger is WRONG, however, is in suggesting that the perpetrators are somehow blissfully innocent. IF you derive pleasure from throwing your weight around, and IF you think it's OK for you to screw with people who are somehow weaker than you, and IF your parents have failed to remove this behavior from your repertoire, you are NOT innocent!
So what's to be done with people like this? The question remains . . . .
In the meantime, for those whose children are just sprouting up from the garden (and I use the term loosely), parents need to change their ways a bit. WATCH what you say and do around the little ones. USE DISCRETION in your methods of discipline, and BE CAREFUL what you sweat and what you let go. The world does not need more bullies. So please don't raise them.
Please feel free to comment below.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
You Say You Want a Resolution?
Well, you know . . . . .
(sorry, I couldn't resist)
We all know that they're tough to keep, but here are a few of mine:
(1) I will try to do for others "just because," and not because I expect something in return.
(2) I will try to concentrate on others' positive attributes, and not look for reasons to criticize and malign.
(3) I will try to organize the world and the space around me to accommodate my priorities, and not complaint about a supposedly insurmountable pile of obligations.
(4) I will try to be quick with my humor and my smarts, and not with my temper and my fault-finding.
(5) I will try to create a diet that fits my tastes, my time, and my running endeavors, and not complain that none of my jeans fit because I just "had" to have an extra dessert and couldn't say no.
(6) I will try to focus on this blog I've created for the good it can do, and not give it up because someone decided to tell me that "nobody makes money from these things," and that the source of their knowledge is that "everybody knows that."
(7) I will try to research the ways that my wife and I can acquire wealth, legally and substantially, by our own talents and work ethic, and not merely "scrimp and save."
(8) I will try to accept criticism and graciously, with the wisdom to know the difference between criticism and bullying, and not look to attack anyone who says something that is not sugar-coated and wonderful.
(9) I will try to find the time to everything for my marriage, my job, and my extended family, and not say later that I did not have the time.
(10) I will try to respect everyone, regardless of whether they think or act like me, and not merely condemn and reject those who don't as "annoying" or "weird."
I say try because I'm only human -- I can't guarantee that I will stick with all of these in 2011, but I sure would like to aspire to them.
Anyone else got some resolutions to share? Feel free to place them directly below.
A Happy and Healthy New Year 2011 to all! :)
(sorry, I couldn't resist)
We all know that they're tough to keep, but here are a few of mine:
(1) I will try to do for others "just because," and not because I expect something in return.
(2) I will try to concentrate on others' positive attributes, and not look for reasons to criticize and malign.
(3) I will try to organize the world and the space around me to accommodate my priorities, and not complaint about a supposedly insurmountable pile of obligations.
(4) I will try to be quick with my humor and my smarts, and not with my temper and my fault-finding.
(5) I will try to create a diet that fits my tastes, my time, and my running endeavors, and not complain that none of my jeans fit because I just "had" to have an extra dessert and couldn't say no.
(6) I will try to focus on this blog I've created for the good it can do, and not give it up because someone decided to tell me that "nobody makes money from these things," and that the source of their knowledge is that "everybody knows that."
(7) I will try to research the ways that my wife and I can acquire wealth, legally and substantially, by our own talents and work ethic, and not merely "scrimp and save."
(8) I will try to accept criticism and graciously, with the wisdom to know the difference between criticism and bullying, and not look to attack anyone who says something that is not sugar-coated and wonderful.
(9) I will try to find the time to everything for my marriage, my job, and my extended family, and not say later that I did not have the time.
(10) I will try to respect everyone, regardless of whether they think or act like me, and not merely condemn and reject those who don't as "annoying" or "weird."
I say try because I'm only human -- I can't guarantee that I will stick with all of these in 2011, but I sure would like to aspire to them.
Anyone else got some resolutions to share? Feel free to place them directly below.
A Happy and Healthy New Year 2011 to all! :)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A White X-Mas!
Yes people, we're now in the midst of the Blizzard of 2010. Here in the NYC area, we're getting POUNDED! And on the Jersey City side of the river, the wind gusts we get off the Hudson River is blowing the snow sideways! I can only imagine how my friends in my native heath of Nassau County, Long Island, are dealing -- I just hope everyone is indoors, safe and sound!
So sad, really. When I was a kid, I would clamor for snow days, as they were so few and far between. I can remember in particular a blizzard that happened when I was in 10th Grade, in the 1987-88 school year. Every SINGLE school district on Long Island closed their schools, but NOT beautiful downtown Baldwin! I remember looking longingly at the high snow drifts outside the window in Ms. Siani's biology class.
(um, Dave, you just admitted you weren't paying attention in class -- Ah, so what, I got a great grade on the Regents anyway!)
Nowadays, as an adult, we dread the snow. Since I'm currently using all my vacation days now in December, since I can't recycle them in 2011, I certainly don't have the chutzpah to wish for a snow day now. Moreover, the managing partner at our firm has repeatedly indicated in mass e-mails that he would never close the firm in situations like this, because these storms tend to pass, or not even happen, when the business week begins. I'm just glad that I have no court appearances tomorrow, and that it's dress-down for the rest of the year (week).
Which means I need to pose a question to you, my faithful readers. My dear wife thinks that it's a good idea for employees with paid vacation time to deliberately take less than the alotted vacation days, otherwise the employer will think the employee is lazy or unmotivated. I think the employee should take them all or most of them, or risk burnout. After all, if it's being offered, take it! Am I right, or is the lady?
COMMENT, as Lionel says, as you see fit.
So sad, really. When I was a kid, I would clamor for snow days, as they were so few and far between. I can remember in particular a blizzard that happened when I was in 10th Grade, in the 1987-88 school year. Every SINGLE school district on Long Island closed their schools, but NOT beautiful downtown Baldwin! I remember looking longingly at the high snow drifts outside the window in Ms. Siani's biology class.
(um, Dave, you just admitted you weren't paying attention in class -- Ah, so what, I got a great grade on the Regents anyway!)
Nowadays, as an adult, we dread the snow. Since I'm currently using all my vacation days now in December, since I can't recycle them in 2011, I certainly don't have the chutzpah to wish for a snow day now. Moreover, the managing partner at our firm has repeatedly indicated in mass e-mails that he would never close the firm in situations like this, because these storms tend to pass, or not even happen, when the business week begins. I'm just glad that I have no court appearances tomorrow, and that it's dress-down for the rest of the year (week).
Which means I need to pose a question to you, my faithful readers. My dear wife thinks that it's a good idea for employees with paid vacation time to deliberately take less than the alotted vacation days, otherwise the employer will think the employee is lazy or unmotivated. I think the employee should take them all or most of them, or risk burnout. After all, if it's being offered, take it! Am I right, or is the lady?
COMMENT, as Lionel says, as you see fit.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Yet Another Rebirth!
Yes people, Xmas 2010 has arrived, as the tail end of yet another year of life! I'm happy to take a little trip out to Long Island to see my godson's family & share the holiday with everyone.
Interesting note I didn't put in the last entry about my godson -- the fact that I happen to be Jewish, but was given the honor of being named his godfather according to the customs of the Presbyterian Church. When his parents gave me this honor, I thought to myself briefly, "Is this OK? Am I abandoning something that's part of me? Am I flying the flag of a foreign nation? Is something not right about this?"
I answered myself, NO. This baby's christening is not about me. That day is HIS day, and not mine. It is he who is being baptized in the faith his parents chose, and I'm just agreeing to lend some long-range moral support. And so I did lend it -- at the church, I can remember bellowing my part of he ceremony, so they could hear me in the rear pews, "I WILL, WITH G-D'S HELP!"
(those of you who were at my wedding would witness my continuination of the tradition of bellowing at the altar, when I said "I DO!" and followed up with passionate exhortations of the Hebrew vows.)
And so it goes with tonight's holiday. Growing up as the sole Jewish family on a quiet street in Baldwin, our parents had us share Xmas and Chanukah with neighbors and friends. This year, Chanukah did not directly conicide with Xmas, but the feelings of that holiday extend to all Americans, regardless of faith or stripe. I'm going to play with a bunch of kids who've always made me happy, make them laugh, and remind them that this is a fun, magical time of year!
Down the road, I hope to do what other godparents do -- try to remind him to stay on the straight and narrow. Right now, he's only three, so the only morality he needs to understand is to not fight with his older brother too much. As time goes on, I'll send him a Bible, and sit him down to talk about basic decency & respect. This may be as simple as telling him not to do something just because all the stupid kids at school are doing it, or reminding him that Mom & Dad are not out to get him. Or maybe just lending an ear if he's really got some issues that he doesn't want to tell anyone else. We shall see . . . .
Anyway, I want to plug a common-sense self-help blog that a really admire. Go to howtogetagrip.com, and you'll be astounded! This guy has the best way of saying things, and it's something many of us forget. Definitely check him out, and tell him I sent you!
In the meantime, next week I'll blog about New Year's Resolutions -- the ones I want to keep, and the ones we all should!
Peace on Earth, and Goodwill Towards Men!
Interesting note I didn't put in the last entry about my godson -- the fact that I happen to be Jewish, but was given the honor of being named his godfather according to the customs of the Presbyterian Church. When his parents gave me this honor, I thought to myself briefly, "Is this OK? Am I abandoning something that's part of me? Am I flying the flag of a foreign nation? Is something not right about this?"
I answered myself, NO. This baby's christening is not about me. That day is HIS day, and not mine. It is he who is being baptized in the faith his parents chose, and I'm just agreeing to lend some long-range moral support. And so I did lend it -- at the church, I can remember bellowing my part of he ceremony, so they could hear me in the rear pews, "I WILL, WITH G-D'S HELP!"
(those of you who were at my wedding would witness my continuination of the tradition of bellowing at the altar, when I said "I DO!" and followed up with passionate exhortations of the Hebrew vows.)
And so it goes with tonight's holiday. Growing up as the sole Jewish family on a quiet street in Baldwin, our parents had us share Xmas and Chanukah with neighbors and friends. This year, Chanukah did not directly conicide with Xmas, but the feelings of that holiday extend to all Americans, regardless of faith or stripe. I'm going to play with a bunch of kids who've always made me happy, make them laugh, and remind them that this is a fun, magical time of year!
Down the road, I hope to do what other godparents do -- try to remind him to stay on the straight and narrow. Right now, he's only three, so the only morality he needs to understand is to not fight with his older brother too much. As time goes on, I'll send him a Bible, and sit him down to talk about basic decency & respect. This may be as simple as telling him not to do something just because all the stupid kids at school are doing it, or reminding him that Mom & Dad are not out to get him. Or maybe just lending an ear if he's really got some issues that he doesn't want to tell anyone else. We shall see . . . .
Anyway, I want to plug a common-sense self-help blog that a really admire. Go to howtogetagrip.com, and you'll be astounded! This guy has the best way of saying things, and it's something many of us forget. Definitely check him out, and tell him I sent you!
In the meantime, next week I'll blog about New Year's Resolutions -- the ones I want to keep, and the ones we all should!
Peace on Earth, and Goodwill Towards Men!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
My Godson
The next step for the Lady and I will be bringing children into the world. However, we both need to wait some time to have them. My schedule has me working in the office about 12 hours a day every day, since I have to handle and manage all of the cases we have for one particular client. Her schedule has her all over, working 24/7. We need time and room to bring little ones into our lives.
So where can I go to fulfill my paternal impulses and aching need to act silly and goofy? To my godson's house, of course! Those of you who saw my profile on MySpace and Facebook may remember a shot of me carrying a baby -- well, that was him! Now Reigny's 3 years old and he's tons of fun!
First of all, anytime you have a chance to play with a 3-year-old kid who has a mohawk, you know it's gonna be a good time! Now that he's developed a definite personality, and is able to wrestle with his older brother (despite what he gives up in age and size), it's even better! I can teach him to sing the "I'm sorry" song, so he can always get out of trouble with Mom ("I'm sorry, so sorry, please accept my apologies"), and he repeats everything I tell him!
He even outsmarted me! He kept pointing towards the top of the entertainment center his folks have in the living room, saying he wanted "paper" to draw on. So I look through all of these boxes and containers up there, can't see any paper anywhere! After a while, his Aunt Korri starts cracking up and tells me, "He's trying to play you soooo bad! Those are all the toys that are banned in this house!" Oh well, that's part of my role here as the godfather/unofficial uncle/friendly grown-up -- because I don't make the rules, and I'm not the parent, I can let them "play" me a little bit.
Just makes me wonder what I should do when I am the parent. I want to be someone they'd love and respect, but it's not easy for me to be the bad guy. I still hear plenty of yelling and screaming at that ranch -- it has to be done because kids that young have to be taught right and wrong with some harshness and some discipline. I just don't want to go overboard. A traumatized and emotionally wounded child is a high price to pay to be "in charge" and "in control."
Probably something to look at another day -- but I would like to have one or two little folk while my parents are still alive and can be grandparents. We shall see . . . . .
So where can I go to fulfill my paternal impulses and aching need to act silly and goofy? To my godson's house, of course! Those of you who saw my profile on MySpace and Facebook may remember a shot of me carrying a baby -- well, that was him! Now Reigny's 3 years old and he's tons of fun!
First of all, anytime you have a chance to play with a 3-year-old kid who has a mohawk, you know it's gonna be a good time! Now that he's developed a definite personality, and is able to wrestle with his older brother (despite what he gives up in age and size), it's even better! I can teach him to sing the "I'm sorry" song, so he can always get out of trouble with Mom ("I'm sorry, so sorry, please accept my apologies"), and he repeats everything I tell him!
He even outsmarted me! He kept pointing towards the top of the entertainment center his folks have in the living room, saying he wanted "paper" to draw on. So I look through all of these boxes and containers up there, can't see any paper anywhere! After a while, his Aunt Korri starts cracking up and tells me, "He's trying to play you soooo bad! Those are all the toys that are banned in this house!" Oh well, that's part of my role here as the godfather/unofficial uncle/friendly grown-up -- because I don't make the rules, and I'm not the parent, I can let them "play" me a little bit.
Just makes me wonder what I should do when I am the parent. I want to be someone they'd love and respect, but it's not easy for me to be the bad guy. I still hear plenty of yelling and screaming at that ranch -- it has to be done because kids that young have to be taught right and wrong with some harshness and some discipline. I just don't want to go overboard. A traumatized and emotionally wounded child is a high price to pay to be "in charge" and "in control."
Probably something to look at another day -- but I would like to have one or two little folk while my parents are still alive and can be grandparents. We shall see . . . . .
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