Dear Lady I've been away too long.
I've bragged and I've boasted, and still got it wrong.
I've traveled the world, but left you behind.
If only I'd stayed, you'd only be too kind.
I was not true to my own self.
Your compassion I left way behind on the shelf.
I aroused conflict and left excuses for hating.
And took it for granted you'd still be there waiting.
As Peer Gynt had Solveig, I wandered around,
While you remained hopeful, but only homebound.
To expect your forgiveness like she gave to him,
Obviously, the prospects are grim.
True, you waited enough, lots more than you needed.
Your expectations I left unheeded.
For the pain that I caused you, you deserve awards.
If only I'd silenced my vocal chords.
But I promise you, Lady, I will return.
What's left of the old me is sealed in an urn.
I'll restore the respect and happiness we knew.
Your joy will be great and your grievances few.
But believe and trust me, I'll make it right!
Where there was darkness, I'll bring new light!
I'll make you my Queen, and me your good Squire!
I'll fulfill all that your Heart may Desire!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Fanfare for the Common Man
Since I'm still somewhat better communicating my thoughts in writing than I in speaking, I'll follow up the video with a few words.
Everyone secretly roots for the underdog, even though their seasoned judgment usually tells us that they'll rarely win. Such is the case with the Jets.
Don't get me wrong, everyone on this team is an awesome player, that's why they've made the NFL to begin with. But this franchise has had a long history of losing, with the exception of one magical season led by "Broadway Joe" Namath. This could be the team's time to earn some respect after all these years of suffering.
Since I've dusted off the Four Pillars, I might as well apply them to the Jets. The Jets EXIST, and have since 1960. They're often overlooked because the Giants have a longer winning tradition, but now everyone knows they're here, thanks in no small part to the clarion exhortations of Coach Rex Ryan, a man among men who stands up for his team and is not afraid to get loud in the press when it counts. The Jets MATTER, because right now the Giants simply aren't pulling their weight! The Jets BELONG, and they've proven that after slicing and dicing two dominant teams on their way to the AFC Title game. And last but not least, they DESERVE to bring New York a Super Bowl trophy!!!!!!
Like I said on the video, they represent the underdog in us all. Many of us have felt like we were second-best, or worse, in other positions in life. Not making the team in school, not getting the starring role, having work projects reassigned to someone else who is more heavily favored, etc. The best and most effective way to override this is to look for AND FIND a way to WIN.
It doesn't always mean beat someone who was more of a winner than you. The Jets don't have to beat the Giants to be the champs (though some Giant fans may disagree). Likewise, you don't have to jump the co-worker who got more praise than you, or the guy who got your spot on the team -- you just gotta find something that you do even better than they can. Sometimes you have to think outside the box, and sometimes this means you've gotta re-invent things.
And last but not least, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE EVERYONE LIKE YOU! That's the biggest mistake people make. You can get everyone's respect, but it's just not possible for everyone to love you (hopefully your Mom does). Outside NYC and the suburbs, people can't stand the Jets. They think Ryan's full of hot air, and think Sanchez is not yet a star. Let them think it, they still HAVE TO respect Gang Green! Sometimes, getting respect from the proper authorities will mean a decline in popularity. So be it! Expecting everyone in the world to love you is a narcissistic, unrealistic, and impossible expectation. Even if I were Captain Nice, made 10 times my salary, owned an apartment building only for me and the Lady to live in, and gave half of it to charity anyway, people would STILL hate me! What can I do about them, besides avoid those cretins like the plague? Not a daaaamn thing! All I need is respect, not popularity!
JAY! EE! TEE! ESS! JETS! JETS! JETS!
Everyone secretly roots for the underdog, even though their seasoned judgment usually tells us that they'll rarely win. Such is the case with the Jets.
Don't get me wrong, everyone on this team is an awesome player, that's why they've made the NFL to begin with. But this franchise has had a long history of losing, with the exception of one magical season led by "Broadway Joe" Namath. This could be the team's time to earn some respect after all these years of suffering.
Since I've dusted off the Four Pillars, I might as well apply them to the Jets. The Jets EXIST, and have since 1960. They're often overlooked because the Giants have a longer winning tradition, but now everyone knows they're here, thanks in no small part to the clarion exhortations of Coach Rex Ryan, a man among men who stands up for his team and is not afraid to get loud in the press when it counts. The Jets MATTER, because right now the Giants simply aren't pulling their weight! The Jets BELONG, and they've proven that after slicing and dicing two dominant teams on their way to the AFC Title game. And last but not least, they DESERVE to bring New York a Super Bowl trophy!!!!!!
Like I said on the video, they represent the underdog in us all. Many of us have felt like we were second-best, or worse, in other positions in life. Not making the team in school, not getting the starring role, having work projects reassigned to someone else who is more heavily favored, etc. The best and most effective way to override this is to look for AND FIND a way to WIN.
It doesn't always mean beat someone who was more of a winner than you. The Jets don't have to beat the Giants to be the champs (though some Giant fans may disagree). Likewise, you don't have to jump the co-worker who got more praise than you, or the guy who got your spot on the team -- you just gotta find something that you do even better than they can. Sometimes you have to think outside the box, and sometimes this means you've gotta re-invent things.
And last but not least, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE EVERYONE LIKE YOU! That's the biggest mistake people make. You can get everyone's respect, but it's just not possible for everyone to love you (hopefully your Mom does). Outside NYC and the suburbs, people can't stand the Jets. They think Ryan's full of hot air, and think Sanchez is not yet a star. Let them think it, they still HAVE TO respect Gang Green! Sometimes, getting respect from the proper authorities will mean a decline in popularity. So be it! Expecting everyone in the world to love you is a narcissistic, unrealistic, and impossible expectation. Even if I were Captain Nice, made 10 times my salary, owned an apartment building only for me and the Lady to live in, and gave half of it to charity anyway, people would STILL hate me! What can I do about them, besides avoid those cretins like the plague? Not a daaaamn thing! All I need is respect, not popularity!
JAY! EE! TEE! ESS! JETS! JETS! JETS!
Monday, January 17, 2011
One Man With A Dream
Today we honor the birthday and celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King was one of those rare men who rise above human nature and its many weaknesses to bring about real change.
He came of age at a time when racism was as American as apple pie. Most chose to accept it, because "that's the way it is." Some of my detractors may find this mantra somewhat familiar, as it is monotonous, but obscenely easy to adopt. Jim Crow laws, separate-but-(un)equal facilities, and policies designed to keep one race isolated and abject were omnipresent.
The only other alternative besides "just accepting it" would have been starting rebellions and riots. Dr. King, however, was not that kind of man. As a man of the cloth, he understood that peaceful resistance was the most effective means by which to stop racist laws and counteract racist culture.
When I first learned about Dr. King in elementary school, I immediately identified with him. Back then, I learned that the "the system" was not there to take my interests into account. At the time, I was bullied, the school knew about it, and it did absolutely nothing to stop it. Dr. King's life story dealt with not only one person, but an entire group of people, being harassed, deprived, and disadvantaged, and a government that either turned a blind eye to what was occurring, or sometimes even encouraged it! For me, it was far less an issue of race than it was an issue of respect -- or the complete lack thereof.
Dr. King can truly be said to be the greatest anti-bullying advocate there ever was, before people even understood that there was such a thing as "anti-bullying!" He also combated what we now know to be bullying in ways that most men would not conceive of implementing. He proved that it was not necessary to stoop to a bully's level to beat him. He also proved that when complaining to a government does not get the desired result, actions that bring about that government's attention, that take away some of that government's assumed power, actually can bring about that result!
Got a bully in your personal life? Or better yet, someone who has the backing and implicit encouragement of the authorities? It may feel easier for you to just "let it go," because that person has "always been that way." I'll be discussing in a later post, it's not because that person is "insecure," it's most likely because they've simply never faced consequences for their behavior. Once they hear those consequences, loud and clear, they will (hopefully) get the message that screwing with other people all the time is not a divine right bestowed upon them.
It may also feel easy for you to start blazing your guns at them, so to speak. As we learned from Dr. King, this is a mistake, because that's exactly what the bully wants you to do. They're trying to make you use your anger from a position of weakness, which means you will, repeat will, make mistakes. Anger can only be used from a position of strength, which the bully will often have over you. Don't let them play with your emotions like a sucker! Dr. King saved his passion for his speeches, not for cursing out some sheriff with a fire hose!
My suggestion? Use the power of "NO." Are they trying to expose your weaknesses and foibles? Say "NO" to the entire conversation. The fact that they want you to admit that you've forgotten something or neglected something is not their attempt to win a case or a prize -- it's their way of testing how weak you are. If it's something that you know is irrelevant and inconsequential, just answer honestly. If it's something that they want to use to make you look stupid, just change the subject. In fact, start talking about something that you enjoy that makes them look stupid! Dr. King may have never debated someone like Jesse Helms, but if he had, he'd probably run rings around him this way!
Is this person an expert on finance, who wants to show you up for your lack of knowledge in that field? Check his or her weakness, and open it up! Chances are, you may know how long David Lee Roth was in Van Halen, and which songs were better, and he or she won't know anything from anybody about that subject. Why should he or she be the only expert in the room? Do they like pointing out that you didn't read The Great Gatsby in high school? Screw their snooty stuck-up prep-school attitude! Ask them if they ever read Bless The Beasts And Children or The Outsiders! Or better yet, ask them if they ever wrote a story as toweringn and as magnificent as the book they read! Just make sure you only ask questions that you already know the answers to -- one false move and they'll smell blood! And don't be confrontational and angry about it either -- that only incites these people even more!
Are they maybe yelling at you over something that everyone else knows is B.S.? Maybe because they don't like the shirt you're wearing, when everyone else in the known universe thinks it's just fine the way it is? Or perhaps they don't like the way your eyes get wide when you laugh at something? Maybe they think you're ugly? Or chances are, they just hate you and can't stand the sight of you because you're you?
MLK didn't eliminate hate, but he did severely weaken the power hate has over society. So if someone hates you and you can't avoid interacting with them, just weaken their power. Start with the Four Pillars I posted some time earlier. Just so you won't have to go back and check, they are:
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
You can recite it as a mantra, you can hum it to yourself when nobody's around, it doesn't matter. Just as long as you have these Pillars in your head when these people are screwing with you, it's a lot easier not to let them win. You'll almost render yourself bulletproof!
(yeah, good call -- now how do I respond when these dogs start barking about how much they hate me?)
Turn their hate against them. Do they hate the way you lift one eyebrow like "The Rock" from WWE (now known as Dwayne Johnson)? Never stop doing it. Don't make it obvious like you're instigating something, but don't eliminate it from your repertoire just because they want to be mineholes! (no, that's not the real word I'm going for, but this is a clean blog)
Does it bother them when you advocate some political philosophy that they can't accept. Bring it up. Again and again and again. Cite to reliable authorities to support your position, too. That way you can dare them to say that they're smarter than your sources, WHICH THEY NEVER WILL BE.
And so, in closing, please honor the memory of MLK. Not just by showing respect and tolerance towards members of all races, but by how you respond to threats and adversity.
Don't forget to comment below!
He came of age at a time when racism was as American as apple pie. Most chose to accept it, because "that's the way it is." Some of my detractors may find this mantra somewhat familiar, as it is monotonous, but obscenely easy to adopt. Jim Crow laws, separate-but-(un)equal facilities, and policies designed to keep one race isolated and abject were omnipresent.
The only other alternative besides "just accepting it" would have been starting rebellions and riots. Dr. King, however, was not that kind of man. As a man of the cloth, he understood that peaceful resistance was the most effective means by which to stop racist laws and counteract racist culture.
When I first learned about Dr. King in elementary school, I immediately identified with him. Back then, I learned that the "the system" was not there to take my interests into account. At the time, I was bullied, the school knew about it, and it did absolutely nothing to stop it. Dr. King's life story dealt with not only one person, but an entire group of people, being harassed, deprived, and disadvantaged, and a government that either turned a blind eye to what was occurring, or sometimes even encouraged it! For me, it was far less an issue of race than it was an issue of respect -- or the complete lack thereof.
Dr. King can truly be said to be the greatest anti-bullying advocate there ever was, before people even understood that there was such a thing as "anti-bullying!" He also combated what we now know to be bullying in ways that most men would not conceive of implementing. He proved that it was not necessary to stoop to a bully's level to beat him. He also proved that when complaining to a government does not get the desired result, actions that bring about that government's attention, that take away some of that government's assumed power, actually can bring about that result!
Got a bully in your personal life? Or better yet, someone who has the backing and implicit encouragement of the authorities? It may feel easier for you to just "let it go," because that person has "always been that way." I'll be discussing in a later post, it's not because that person is "insecure," it's most likely because they've simply never faced consequences for their behavior. Once they hear those consequences, loud and clear, they will (hopefully) get the message that screwing with other people all the time is not a divine right bestowed upon them.
It may also feel easy for you to start blazing your guns at them, so to speak. As we learned from Dr. King, this is a mistake, because that's exactly what the bully wants you to do. They're trying to make you use your anger from a position of weakness, which means you will, repeat will, make mistakes. Anger can only be used from a position of strength, which the bully will often have over you. Don't let them play with your emotions like a sucker! Dr. King saved his passion for his speeches, not for cursing out some sheriff with a fire hose!
My suggestion? Use the power of "NO." Are they trying to expose your weaknesses and foibles? Say "NO" to the entire conversation. The fact that they want you to admit that you've forgotten something or neglected something is not their attempt to win a case or a prize -- it's their way of testing how weak you are. If it's something that you know is irrelevant and inconsequential, just answer honestly. If it's something that they want to use to make you look stupid, just change the subject. In fact, start talking about something that you enjoy that makes them look stupid! Dr. King may have never debated someone like Jesse Helms, but if he had, he'd probably run rings around him this way!
Is this person an expert on finance, who wants to show you up for your lack of knowledge in that field? Check his or her weakness, and open it up! Chances are, you may know how long David Lee Roth was in Van Halen, and which songs were better, and he or she won't know anything from anybody about that subject. Why should he or she be the only expert in the room? Do they like pointing out that you didn't read The Great Gatsby in high school? Screw their snooty stuck-up prep-school attitude! Ask them if they ever read Bless The Beasts And Children or The Outsiders! Or better yet, ask them if they ever wrote a story as toweringn and as magnificent as the book they read! Just make sure you only ask questions that you already know the answers to -- one false move and they'll smell blood! And don't be confrontational and angry about it either -- that only incites these people even more!
Are they maybe yelling at you over something that everyone else knows is B.S.? Maybe because they don't like the shirt you're wearing, when everyone else in the known universe thinks it's just fine the way it is? Or perhaps they don't like the way your eyes get wide when you laugh at something? Maybe they think you're ugly? Or chances are, they just hate you and can't stand the sight of you because you're you?
MLK didn't eliminate hate, but he did severely weaken the power hate has over society. So if someone hates you and you can't avoid interacting with them, just weaken their power. Start with the Four Pillars I posted some time earlier. Just so you won't have to go back and check, they are:
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
You can recite it as a mantra, you can hum it to yourself when nobody's around, it doesn't matter. Just as long as you have these Pillars in your head when these people are screwing with you, it's a lot easier not to let them win. You'll almost render yourself bulletproof!
(yeah, good call -- now how do I respond when these dogs start barking about how much they hate me?)
Turn their hate against them. Do they hate the way you lift one eyebrow like "The Rock" from WWE (now known as Dwayne Johnson)? Never stop doing it. Don't make it obvious like you're instigating something, but don't eliminate it from your repertoire just because they want to be mineholes! (no, that's not the real word I'm going for, but this is a clean blog)
Does it bother them when you advocate some political philosophy that they can't accept. Bring it up. Again and again and again. Cite to reliable authorities to support your position, too. That way you can dare them to say that they're smarter than your sources, WHICH THEY NEVER WILL BE.
And so, in closing, please honor the memory of MLK. Not just by showing respect and tolerance towards members of all races, but by how you respond to threats and adversity.
Don't forget to comment below!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
My Father
Yesterday I heard some distressing news from my Mom. I already knew that Dad had to be taken to the hospital for some sort of stress test, but this took an unexpected turn.
During the test, an angiogram was taken, and it revealed that the main artery to Dad's heart was 99% blocked. According to those facts alone, he should not have been able to walk around, miracle of miracles. So they administered emergency triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage. This took the better part of yesterday, and I kept calling Mom almost hourly to check in Dad's progress. Between that and the text messages I sent to everyone else I knew about Dad, the battery did not last by the time I finally got home.
It really made me step back and think about my father, too. In my family, my Mom had the more outgoing personality, so he tended to disappear in the shadows. He did, however, always fancy himself as the Power Behind The Throne. :)
I also remembered one episode from childhood that forever defined the type of man he was. I was about 8, maybe 9, and he wanted to show me some work he was doing on the car. He wanted me to be mechanically inclined, so I'd know what I was doing once I had a car of my own. I tried to look interested, but it didn't work.
As unforgivable as I'd later realize this to be, growing up in a blue-collar town, I was anything but mechanically inclined. I would have given anything at that time to go back inside the house, watch cartoons, and do anything that would allow me to put my mind in neutral, after the previous 5 school days of having various adult authority figures demand, in tones of righteous indignation, that I "Pay Attention!!!!!"
I would later learn acting skills, but my attempt at pretending I was interested was a failure. Finally, my Dad gave up out of frustration and told me to go back inside. I said "No, Dad, really, I'm interested," hoping to avoid another lecture, but he wasn't buying it.
So I did watch my cartoons, although I had a sense of guilt. Once again, I had disappointed someone without doing anything at all. But later, he came into my room, and we had a talk.
He said, "David, I can't play the saxophone, but you can. I also can't draw cartoons, do funny voices, or sing those Michael Jackson songs on the radio, but you can. I'd like you to one day learn how cars work, because it can save you a lot of money and give you a good hobby. But if this is not something you want to learn about now, that's OK. You really don't have to do everything that I do because you're your own person."
The reason why this moment remains so important to me is because it was the first time in my young life that an adult authority figure did not yell at me when I was being myself. In fact, this was the first time in my life any authority figure told me that I was OK, and that I should feel OK about it! In that moment, my father, with his quiet, gentle, and thoughtful ways, became Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, and Mike Brady all rolled up in one!
From that day to this one, my father has remained a man of patience and dignity. The thought of him undergoing the bypass made a lot of things clearer to me -- that he deserves a lot more accolades and praise than he's received. For all things he's done, for his family and his country, he deserves a ton of recognition. And hopefully, once he's feeling a little better, my sister and I will be able to visit him in Florida to show him we care.
During the test, an angiogram was taken, and it revealed that the main artery to Dad's heart was 99% blocked. According to those facts alone, he should not have been able to walk around, miracle of miracles. So they administered emergency triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage. This took the better part of yesterday, and I kept calling Mom almost hourly to check in Dad's progress. Between that and the text messages I sent to everyone else I knew about Dad, the battery did not last by the time I finally got home.
It really made me step back and think about my father, too. In my family, my Mom had the more outgoing personality, so he tended to disappear in the shadows. He did, however, always fancy himself as the Power Behind The Throne. :)
I also remembered one episode from childhood that forever defined the type of man he was. I was about 8, maybe 9, and he wanted to show me some work he was doing on the car. He wanted me to be mechanically inclined, so I'd know what I was doing once I had a car of my own. I tried to look interested, but it didn't work.
As unforgivable as I'd later realize this to be, growing up in a blue-collar town, I was anything but mechanically inclined. I would have given anything at that time to go back inside the house, watch cartoons, and do anything that would allow me to put my mind in neutral, after the previous 5 school days of having various adult authority figures demand, in tones of righteous indignation, that I "Pay Attention!!!!!"
I would later learn acting skills, but my attempt at pretending I was interested was a failure. Finally, my Dad gave up out of frustration and told me to go back inside. I said "No, Dad, really, I'm interested," hoping to avoid another lecture, but he wasn't buying it.
So I did watch my cartoons, although I had a sense of guilt. Once again, I had disappointed someone without doing anything at all. But later, he came into my room, and we had a talk.
He said, "David, I can't play the saxophone, but you can. I also can't draw cartoons, do funny voices, or sing those Michael Jackson songs on the radio, but you can. I'd like you to one day learn how cars work, because it can save you a lot of money and give you a good hobby. But if this is not something you want to learn about now, that's OK. You really don't have to do everything that I do because you're your own person."
The reason why this moment remains so important to me is because it was the first time in my young life that an adult authority figure did not yell at me when I was being myself. In fact, this was the first time in my life any authority figure told me that I was OK, and that I should feel OK about it! In that moment, my father, with his quiet, gentle, and thoughtful ways, became Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, and Mike Brady all rolled up in one!
From that day to this one, my father has remained a man of patience and dignity. The thought of him undergoing the bypass made a lot of things clearer to me -- that he deserves a lot more accolades and praise than he's received. For all things he's done, for his family and his country, he deserves a ton of recognition. And hopefully, once he's feeling a little better, my sister and I will be able to visit him in Florida to show him we care.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
What Makes A Bully?
Hey all -- this is a post I was working some months ago, and never finished. This post will eventually be imported to my new blog, which will be devoted exclusively to young men and boys with low self-esteem, but let's make this a preview.
WHAT MAKES A BULLY?
They infect childhood. They corrupt business. They spoil dreams. They uproot lives. They divide families.
Who are these people and what makes them that way?!?!?!?!?!?
Some say that the victims bring it on themselves. This is only half true. We all know that victims need to behave with confidence, and not be easily shaken by these cretins, and the chances of them being victimized will decrease.
However, this does NOT legitimize bullying!
(for a contrary viewpoint, I respectfully refer you to http://www.bullies2buddies.com/)
My response? Wrong. It's not OK to behave this way to anyone. So why has it persisted for this long?
(1) Schools. No teacher, principal, or administrator wants to deal with it, no matter how many anti-bullying laws are passed. They always have too many other problems to deal with, they always disregard it as a right of passage, and they always assume that the perpetrators are "just being kids," and they'll grow out of it, while the victims always obviously "asked for it."
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(2) Parents. When a child is never punished for misdeeds, he or she learns that they are not misdeeds after all. Or better yet, sometimes a child is encouraged by the parents to be this way! I still remember someone from elementary school whose parents kept telling him he was the best athlete, that he was on his way to the Olympics, and that everyone else was simply inferior. For him, bullying was as natural as eating and drinking was to everyone else.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(3) Spouses. When a bully reaches adulthood (and isn't in jail by then), he or she usually finds a significant other who will be docile, passive, "agreeable," and thereby complicit in the continued behavior. It is not true to say that a bully desperately needs a victim to survive -- a bully needs AN ENABLER even more to VALIDATE what they do and say . . . everything they do and say.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(4) Children. The cycle continues to another generation. Especially if the child is the same gender as the bully, he or she will emulate EXACTLY what that child sees and hears.
NO CONSEQUENCES
If you check what I posted back in February of 2010, you'll see that my message to the world around me is that men and boys must be on guard against low self-esteem. The bully is often the source of this problem. As the author of the site I linked to opines, victims of bullying have work to do to protect themselves and solve their own problems. Blaming and complaining doesn't solve the problem, and I agree with him on this point wholeheartedly. In fact, he has an amazing method of teaching children ways to fix this problem!
Where my fellow blogger is WRONG, however, is in suggesting that the perpetrators are somehow blissfully innocent. IF you derive pleasure from throwing your weight around, and IF you think it's OK for you to screw with people who are somehow weaker than you, and IF your parents have failed to remove this behavior from your repertoire, you are NOT innocent!
So what's to be done with people like this? The question remains . . . .
In the meantime, for those whose children are just sprouting up from the garden (and I use the term loosely), parents need to change their ways a bit. WATCH what you say and do around the little ones. USE DISCRETION in your methods of discipline, and BE CAREFUL what you sweat and what you let go. The world does not need more bullies. So please don't raise them.
Please feel free to comment below.
WHAT MAKES A BULLY?
They infect childhood. They corrupt business. They spoil dreams. They uproot lives. They divide families.
Who are these people and what makes them that way?!?!?!?!?!?
Some say that the victims bring it on themselves. This is only half true. We all know that victims need to behave with confidence, and not be easily shaken by these cretins, and the chances of them being victimized will decrease.
However, this does NOT legitimize bullying!
(for a contrary viewpoint, I respectfully refer you to http://www.bullies2buddies.com/)
My response? Wrong. It's not OK to behave this way to anyone. So why has it persisted for this long?
(1) Schools. No teacher, principal, or administrator wants to deal with it, no matter how many anti-bullying laws are passed. They always have too many other problems to deal with, they always disregard it as a right of passage, and they always assume that the perpetrators are "just being kids," and they'll grow out of it, while the victims always obviously "asked for it."
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(2) Parents. When a child is never punished for misdeeds, he or she learns that they are not misdeeds after all. Or better yet, sometimes a child is encouraged by the parents to be this way! I still remember someone from elementary school whose parents kept telling him he was the best athlete, that he was on his way to the Olympics, and that everyone else was simply inferior. For him, bullying was as natural as eating and drinking was to everyone else.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(3) Spouses. When a bully reaches adulthood (and isn't in jail by then), he or she usually finds a significant other who will be docile, passive, "agreeable," and thereby complicit in the continued behavior. It is not true to say that a bully desperately needs a victim to survive -- a bully needs AN ENABLER even more to VALIDATE what they do and say . . . everything they do and say.
NO CONSEQUENCES.
(4) Children. The cycle continues to another generation. Especially if the child is the same gender as the bully, he or she will emulate EXACTLY what that child sees and hears.
NO CONSEQUENCES
If you check what I posted back in February of 2010, you'll see that my message to the world around me is that men and boys must be on guard against low self-esteem. The bully is often the source of this problem. As the author of the site I linked to opines, victims of bullying have work to do to protect themselves and solve their own problems. Blaming and complaining doesn't solve the problem, and I agree with him on this point wholeheartedly. In fact, he has an amazing method of teaching children ways to fix this problem!
Where my fellow blogger is WRONG, however, is in suggesting that the perpetrators are somehow blissfully innocent. IF you derive pleasure from throwing your weight around, and IF you think it's OK for you to screw with people who are somehow weaker than you, and IF your parents have failed to remove this behavior from your repertoire, you are NOT innocent!
So what's to be done with people like this? The question remains . . . .
In the meantime, for those whose children are just sprouting up from the garden (and I use the term loosely), parents need to change their ways a bit. WATCH what you say and do around the little ones. USE DISCRETION in your methods of discipline, and BE CAREFUL what you sweat and what you let go. The world does not need more bullies. So please don't raise them.
Please feel free to comment below.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)