The Four Components

As I've grown older and reflected on the course my life has taken, I have realized that every man, in order to survive in to adulthood, must accept and practice the following Four Components of Life:



(1) I Exist.

(2) I Matter.

(3) I Belong.

(4) I Deserve.



I Exist.



It goes without saying that we exist. But this first element is easily taken for granted. There are too many men who fall short of their potential and resign themselves to lowly or insignificant roles in life because they have incorrectly resigned themselves to the role of a "nobody." Someone's son, someone's brother, someone's husband, someone's father. They either stopped trying to attain dreams, or failed to dream new ones, or both.



When boys are small, they are very aware of their existence. In fact, it's what they're most aware of in life. However, when their parents do not fulfill their obligations correctly, these boys learn to believe that they either do not, or should not, exist. Sometimes this happens when a parent complains about his or her lot in life in the presence of that child, about how being a parent is too stressful and/or expensive within the child's earshot, or how he/she "can't take it anymore" because the child, and not the parent's inability to cope, is "driving me crazy." When this is done more often that the occasional outburst, confusion sets in the child's mind. If not corrected in short order, this confusion leads to guilt, doubt, shame, self-loathing, and other emotions that boys should never experience. Otherwise, when that boy becomes a man, after enduring great hardships, he must re-learn the value of his existence, and understand that he is here for a reason, no matter how self-absorbed his former caretakers might have been. Unfortunately, this is sometimes made more difficult when the boy, now a man, finds himself attracting people who treat him the same way as an adult.



I Matter.



Even if such men come to terms with their existence, they still may not be convinced that their existence is relevant. Someone may have told them they were "slow," "underachieving," "learning-disabled," or the worst euphemism of all, "special." They may have their weaknesses shoved in their faces by predatory elements, reinforcing the notion that they are "losers" or "useless." If their strengths are not reinforced during childhood, and their primary caregivers do not provide sufficient positive affirmations to build confidence, the boy will be convinced that he does not "matter," again endure great hardships, and must again convince himself otherwise during adulthood. Again, as an adult, he may find himself attracting those who continue to convince him he does not matter, making the process even more difficult.



I Belong.



Belonging is something that only the boy can decide for himself -- not only that truth that he belongs, but where and with whom he belongs. However, if the boy does not know where or with whom he belongs, he will "settle." He will associate with those who do not help him achieve his potential, but instead merely "accept" him and allow him to occupy space within their ranks. He will not develop as a participant, or even a leader, but will only be a follower, unable to think or reason in a manner different than the rest of the "herd." Or worse, he will associate with individuals who are toxic towards him, and derive pleasure from continuously rejecting, abusing, and bullying him, or forcing him to continuously fight a losing battle. Resigned to a mistaken belief that those who truly would accept him will only reject him instead, and vice-versa, he sabotages this component of his development and fails to make valuable contacts and friendships that would otherwise serve him well.



Again, this must be reinforced during childhood. However, unlike the two prior components, the caregivers cannot select with whom the boy should and should not associate. If a caregiver continuously blasts "that crowdd," the child will either (a) become a recluse, believing that no friends can be approved by the caregivers; or (b) rebel, and ONLY associate with "that crowd," to dismantle and overthrow the caregivers' authority. Otherwise, even more work will be required during adulthood, because if "that crowd" takes the place of the boy's parents, the future will include not only difficult, but disastrous, consequences.



I Deserve.



The final component, to deserve, simply cannot stand if the first three have not been properly erected. It is by no means a notion of entitlement -- I have met too many plaintiffs and their attorneys who adopt this as a way of life and a source of revenue, therefore I do not base the component of deserving on this. On the contrary, to deserve is to use the faith, belief, and courage needed for plain and simple success. This is the underlying theme of everything our friends Anthony Robbins, Joel Osteen, and Dr. Phil have been telling us for years in their own words -- beyond just being, mattering, and belonging, in order to ADVANCE, you must BELIEVE that you DESERVE to have what you want! Don't write yourself off saying "it never happened" before you even tried. And even worse, don't just go around telling people you're doing it when you really have no intention of doing so! DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS ABOUT IT. DESERVE IT, period.



Why state the obvious? Don't most guys already know this? Not if they're faking it they don't. As for those of us who grow up with one or more of these components missing, we tend to wait on longer lines than the ones our more well-adjusted neighbors occupy. And it HURTS. And since all four components are interdependent, it's impossible to have one missing. For a plane to fly, you can't have three out of four engines working!



And why should I focus on these components for men and not for women? Why am I not being politically correct? Because life and nature are not politically correct. Even if this is the 21st Century, society does not penalize women for having low self-esteem or confidence because society does not expect women to have them to begin with. That is because nature has equipped men and women with different perceptions towards life, and geared them towards different roles.



If a woman does not possess all four components, she can still survive, because she will most likely depend on a husband, partner, or family member to support her. She can easily get away with it. MEN DO NOT AND CANNOT HAVE THIS LUXURY. Unless your mother raised you on a lesbian commune, or you were taught daily by some Amazon-like figure that all masculinity is evil, and were sheltered from ever interacting with fellow males, a man must learn to keep his self-esteem intact simply to avoid being preyed upon.



Not only do other men take advantage of men with low self-esteem,but ironically, SO DO WOMEN. Ironically, even a weak woman will take advantage of someone she perceives is weaker.



So how does a man with low self-esteem survive? Childhood is over, and pointing fingers at the failures of our parents is not effective. Repeating these four components, contemplating them during your job, feeling them during your social interactions, and just plain living them WILL WORK.



Let's review, gentlemen:



I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.



This is not the grunt of an animal who cannot respect those around him. This is also not the wail of a spoiled child who is granted everything without earning it, and only becomes more and more demanding. This is the battle cry of a man who seeks to live and to profit from life. This is the song of redemption, fulfillment, and self-actualization. This is the eviction notice to the thoughts of defeat and rejection that have been squatting rent-free in men's subconscious minds for decades. This is the death sentence to the ill-effects of bad childhoods, worse adolescences, and unpleasant adulthoods. Again!



I EXIST! I MATTER! I BELONG! I DESERVE!



Don't just say it, USE it!